Heart of the Lost
by Taijiya-san
Summary: Psychotic? Evil? She's been labeled as many things for the choices she's made, and the love that she feels - but just what is she thinking?


The Heart of the Lost  
  


Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha, Kagome, Kikyo, anything, or anyone. Happy? XD  
  
A/N: This story's a bit scattered. I sort of wrote this on a whim when I saw all the anti-Kikyo-let's-kill-psycho-bitch-now fics out there. It's sort of a rough draft, but it's got some of my views on Kikyo's feelings, and my feeling that she's not as evil as psychotic as some people say she is. So, yeah...these are just sort of my views on a very complex character. ^^; Again, apologies if it's a bit scattered.  
  
~*~*  
  
Long ago, I was a miko. A naive miko, entrusted with a jewel of immense power. They believed my purity could cleanse the jewel of its corrupt nature. If only they could see me as I am now -- a hollow shell of a woman, clinging to this world through the souls of others. A pathetic existence, one I wouldn't wish upon anyone.  
  
At the same time, I'm not yet willing to part with this mockery of a life. Why? Perhaps I wish to avenge my own death. Perhaps I am just grasping for my lost place in the world of the living. Or perhaps...I fear it.  
  
It is a foolish fear, fitting to such a foolish woman. I embraced my death once, my duty to protect the Shikon no Tama finished as it burned with my bloodied corpse. Only when I was forced into this false shell of mine did I realize...  
  
With death, I play no part in this or any world. For fifty years, it was as though I had never existed. The world had changed in what felt like an instant -- my sister aged beyond recognition, my hown village filled with unfamiliar faces, and my love falling for another. A woman like me in one sense, and yet exactly unlike me in every crucial way. My world was mine no longer. I was all but forgotten.  
  
That what when my fears began. The next time I died, I would not return. My soul would become one with that of the girl who'd stolen everything else that was mine. With that, it would be as though I had never been born. Never guarded the jewel. Never died for it's safety. Never loved Inuyasha.  
  
It's selfish, really. But I've learned. It is human to be selfish. It is human to hate, to love, to feel jealousy. Heh..ironic, isn't it? Only when I was forced to live in such a pitiful state, no longer truly a human, did I learn what it really meant to be one. As I am now, I'm more free to live as I've always wanted, without the weight of responsibility I'd been forced to bear as long as I can remember. Guarding the jewel had come later, but always was I defender of my home. I was the shield between the village and the demons ever-lurking in the shadows.  
  
...they used to plague me in my sleep, when I was much younger. I still remember all the nights I awoke screaming from the horrors of my dreams. But that was long ago. I learned never to fear them -- fear was a weakness. A weakness of human emotion that I was forbidden to feel.   
  
Inuyasha was the same. Had circumstances been different, together we would have overcome that boundry. We both could have been what we truly wanted to be. If only fate hadn't decided otherwise on that faithful day; it feels so distant, yet still so vivid. A living nightmare.  
  
That girl is the one who is helping him to overcome what I could not. I do not hate that girl, Kagome - resent her, yes. She has my face, my soul, my love. But I do not hate her. Despite the pain my existence must cause, she has helped me before. I respect that. I've tried once or twice to lead her as she's strayed, hoping she'll never have the same pain I was forced to endure. I don't like her, but I cannot bring myself to hate her. Her inner light is warm -- the same light that warmed his heart.  
  
Inuasha claims to love me as he always did; I wish it were true. I am not his Kikyo any longer. I know I should let him go, allow him to live his life with that girl, to be happy. But no matter how hard I try, I cannot release him. In my heart, no, my very soul, he lingers. He continues to appear before me, and I continue to try and forget -- but I can never forget. Tell me, how simple is it to forget feelings so strongly? If he pushed me away, perhaps I could accept it; but he hasn't. He won't. He doesn't seem to realize that his indesicion hurts not only that girl, but myself as well.  
  
I do wish we could return to death together. Fifty years ago, we both should have died beneath that tree. He understands the fear of death, even if he doesn't show it, and likely never will. He would be the way I could confirm my existence as we both journeyed to hell. Even if he promises this to me, I know it will never be. His heart belongs to her...my journey will likely be with Naraku. At the very least, that would give me some satisfaction to see his final end. To watch as his soul is burned to ashes in the pits on hell.  
  
Until that day, I will continue to live the way I am. Eventually, I know I will return to death. That time is not now. I want to live. I want to feel. I want to find the conclusion to my heart's desire. I want never to be forgotten.  
  
Fifty years ago, a naive miko lived in a small village. I was that miko.   
  
If that is who I was...then who am I now? 


End file.
